How to Kill Fresh Flowers in 3 Easy Steps
(For People Who Hate Flowers and Want Them to DIE)
If you’re anything like me, you have a troubled relationship with greenery. I love it so much, but I don’t know how to care for it in the way it deserves. No - scratch that, I do, but I don’t calendar it and I get sidetracked and forget.
Before I know it, my plant babies are parched! This makes me an expert on how to kill flowers. So if you hate flowers and want them to die a slow death, I’m your girl.
Anyway, here’s how I do it:
Step 1: Start Neglecting Them Right Away
When you bring the flowers home, accidentally leave them on your counter for 2 hours, uncut and in their original wrapping, while you scroll on your phone or take a much-deserved nap. The Trader Joe’s parking lot is a battlefield, and you are a warrior – nay, a gladiator!
Step 2: Trim Stems as a Form of Torture
Trim stems straight across with a dull pair of crafting scissors from what appears to be the early 2000s. Do not trim stems diagonally unless you want to prime them for maximum water absorption, which, I mean, we don’t, right?
Step 3: Starve Them of Sustenance
Place the flowers in a dark corner of your room and don’t change the water — EVER – until it looks absolutely certain that your flower babies are going to kick the bucket. Definitely don’t use carbonated water, as that extends their life, and that’s the LAST thing we want.
Et voila! You did it! You killed a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers.
I’m so proud of you.